Feeling judged.

I often used to feel so judged by people when my son was having a hard time when out in public or at school. I'm definitely one who felt the stares from people, or wondered whether they were labeling my 'son' as the 'naughty' kid at school when he'd get into fights, have meltdowns in the classroom or verbally lash out at other kids. And can you imagine how tenfold that was with the fact that I also work at his school!


I wanted so much to shout to the world that my son was well disciplined. I wanted to tell them that he was consequenced for his behaviour and no he didn't just get away with it because he had Aspergers. I wanted to tell them that I was just as much at my wits end with how to handle this behaviour and that I often struggled to know what to do. And more than anything I wanted them to have to live with it for a week and see whether their judgement of me would change. I wanted to tell them that living with a child with ADHD and Aspergers was like living with a time bomb with no idea when and where it was going to go off.


And then somewhere along the line I gave up on what I thought other people were thinking and just started concentrating on what my son needed. I started to look at his behaviour and look at why it was happening rather than just trying to pick up the pieces when it did. I started to understand what led him to meltdowns, difficulties with peers and the challenges he faced when he verbally couldn't get his feelings heard. And rather than concentrate on what other people thought, I started to help him use strategies he needed to help manage those difficulties.


And slowly, ever so slowly he began to implement all the things he needed. With help we taught him how to cope in sensory difficult situations; how to cope with his high anxiety; we gave him strategies to use when his social anxiety overwhelmed him; we sent him to social groups to teach him how to socialize and what social rules were; we gave him strategies on what to do when he cognitively was headed for meltdown; and medications to help him to be able to do this. With the help and support of his school we started to have less meltdowns, less tantrums, less issues on the yard and more ability to take himself away to calm down, more ability to voice his needs and his feelings and a better ability to cope in sensory difficult situations. We went into 'prevention' mode as opposed to 'mop up' mode.


One thing we must realize when we feel judged by those around us (though I have learnt that I don't think we are being as judged as we often feel we are), is that it is mostly born out of complete ignorance to the plight of our ASD kids. One of the reasons I started this blog and that I've gone on this journey with ASD is to educate. Education is power. Where my son's behaviour to the outsider looks like a behavioral issue (and don't get me started on the whole ADHD kid who just needs a spanking issue because I just might scream), it is born out of a lack of understanding of Autism and ADHD. What I found is that the more information I gave people, the more they began to understand and the less they began to judge.


So if you feel someone is judging you because you are doing your best to work with your ASD child, realize that it ignorance drives people to make this judgement. You ARE an amazing parent doing a very difficult job under often very difficult circumstances. Educate those around you so that they understand what your particular child needs in a particular environment. And if they don't want to know, or understand, then walk away and shake the dust off your feet. The world will always judge because there are people who want to judge others to make themselves feel better.


Autism - power is in the understanding of it.