Playing the fair game.
This afternoon I had quite a big argument with my almost 12 year old. It seems that the 'pre-teen' years have hit our household and our easy going eldest son has turned into an argumentative, tantrumming, emotional boy fighting his way towards puberty. Oh I know it has to happen - I'd be quite concerned if it didn't. Within the confines of the family he needs to push the boundaries, find himself and deal with all the changes that are happening to him. But I have to be honest, I'm not quite sure how I'm going to parent him from now on. I've never really done it tough with him and he's starting to make his special needs brother seem like a walk in the park!! I'm suddenly having to be 3 steps ahead of him and delve into every bit of my parenting skills in order to handle him. My problem is that I've never parented a pre-teen before. I'm pretty inexperienced at this and it's exhausting.
Back to the argument.
Lately he has been challenging us every time something is purchased for his younger brother. Oh it's the old age story that's been circulating throughout history from when Cain and Abel fought - his brother was favoured and got more than him. I remember that argument myself with my own twin sister. So he's taken to challenging us every time we purchase something for his younger sibling without any thought to what is purchased for himself. Today started about a yoyo and whether his younger brother had paid for it himself, or whether we did. And if we did, was it fair to him? Had I spent the same on him?
So after informing him that yes I had paid for his brother's $10 yoyo, I reminded him that I had brought him an expensive capo (for his guitar). 'But I needed that,' was his reply - another argument we'd had recently. This is quite a valid argument in our house, as we've taught our children that both get what they need which at times is quite different. Our problem this year is that it seems that Master 11 has 'needed' a heck of a lot more than his younger brother who asks for very little, and requires very little. Where Master 11 'needs' money to go to the pictures with his friends, Master 9 rarely goes to these kinds of social functions. Where Master 11 'needs' things for his music and guitar, Master 9 only ever plays his iPad.
But is it fair?
This is the question that keeps popping up in our house (we had the same argument last weekend when after giving him money to go to the pictures, I bought his brother an iTunes card). Master 11 has this idea that everything in this world needs to be 'fair.' What someone else has, I should have. But is this reasonable? And is this really how life should be? Is fairness having exactly what another person has, in this case his brother, or having what you need for you? Master 11 went so far as to say that it wasn't fair that we were paying for a 'social skills group' for Master 9 - and not giving him the same amount of money. Okay - so by now my blood starts to boil and I'm needing to dig deep into the wisdom barrel. Having to justify my spending to an 11 year old is way outside my boundaries of 'parent to child' and this one is going to have to learn a hard lesson. I knew I was going to have to take a tact with him to show him that fairness is not about having the same monetary value as someone else. Might I add - at this point I did remind him that I pay money each week for his guitar lessons - and had done so for the last 2 years. Oh he had conveniently forgotten that! Master 9's social skills group was only 8 sessions - so I asked him to do the math. Technically - based on his argument - I owed Master 9 a lot of money.
Ahhhh - the tables were turning!! I told Master 11 to be very careful as he was about to be trapped by the master. Not him either - but me.
I took another turn. I sat back, looked at him and said, 'you know, you are right - lets play the fair game.' This wasn't quite what he was expecting. Suddenly the conversation was taking a turn that he was not counting on. I've been around many more years than this young one and I gave birth to him. Oh I'm clever, as every parent is and needs to be when confronted with a pre-teen.
Let's play the fair game.
What's the fair game?
I explained it to him. It's when both you and your brother are treated 'the same'. But you have to make a decision. Either you are treated as a 9 year old boy with Aspergers or; you are both treated like an 11 year old about to go off to high school. Now, whichever you choose - you will both be treated 'the same.' This includes privileges; bed times; chore expectations; pocket money - the works. This means that whatever I spend on you - I spend on your brother and vice versa. This means that now your brother will be given the same amount of money that is paid for your guitar lessons; your visits to the movies with friends; the money you need for school, etc etc.
Master 9 does none of these so to make it up to him a little, I occasionally buy him an iTunes card, or a $10 yoyo in this case. That's all he does, his needs are pretty small.
Now we are confronted with the whole idea of 'fairness' and 'the same.' Is fairness being treated the same?
Silence. I could see Master 11's mind ticking over. I could see that he was backed into a corner and had no way of coming out. He hadn't quite thought this one through and I could see he was trying everything he could to come up with an answer. Now that the tables had turned he'd realized that he'd trapped himself in a situation he didn't quite like. He was learning a very valuable lesson in life, that fairness isn't about getting things equal but about having your needs met, and some of your wants. Fairness is not being treated the same.
Both my boys have very different needs. Our job as parents is to meet those needs to the best of our abilities. Wants are different, and require a different argument. What Master 11 needs on a daily basis differs from that of his brother. Fairness is not 'the same.'
In fairness to Master 11, I also realized that I may have created this school of thought. When the boys were younger I did try and treat them the same. What I bought for one, I bought for the other. In some ways, I'd created this. So it was my job to rectify it because as children - their needs were the same. But as they'd gotten a little older, I began to stop doing this when it came to the things they needed. I would give them the same if it were a gift. But if someone needed a pair of shoes, I didn't necessarily buy the other one a pair. They got what they needed. On many occasions I had tried to explain to both the boys this very thing, that as they were getting older, their needs were becoming different. But I guess it hadn't sunk in!
Until possibly now.
'I don't want to play the fair game.'
No - I bet you don't. Because no-one really wins the 'fair' game. We are all different and unique. We all have different needs whether we are a child or an adult. Getting what someone else has is not fairness. To believe that you should have what everyone else has creates jelousy. And jelousy is a destructive and horrible emotion.
I needed to teach this lesson today. I think he got it. I hope now at least in part, he understands.
I don't want to play the fair game either.
Back to the argument.
Lately he has been challenging us every time something is purchased for his younger brother. Oh it's the old age story that's been circulating throughout history from when Cain and Abel fought - his brother was favoured and got more than him. I remember that argument myself with my own twin sister. So he's taken to challenging us every time we purchase something for his younger sibling without any thought to what is purchased for himself. Today started about a yoyo and whether his younger brother had paid for it himself, or whether we did. And if we did, was it fair to him? Had I spent the same on him?
So after informing him that yes I had paid for his brother's $10 yoyo, I reminded him that I had brought him an expensive capo (for his guitar). 'But I needed that,' was his reply - another argument we'd had recently. This is quite a valid argument in our house, as we've taught our children that both get what they need which at times is quite different. Our problem this year is that it seems that Master 11 has 'needed' a heck of a lot more than his younger brother who asks for very little, and requires very little. Where Master 11 'needs' money to go to the pictures with his friends, Master 9 rarely goes to these kinds of social functions. Where Master 11 'needs' things for his music and guitar, Master 9 only ever plays his iPad.
But is it fair?
This is the question that keeps popping up in our house (we had the same argument last weekend when after giving him money to go to the pictures, I bought his brother an iTunes card). Master 11 has this idea that everything in this world needs to be 'fair.' What someone else has, I should have. But is this reasonable? And is this really how life should be? Is fairness having exactly what another person has, in this case his brother, or having what you need for you? Master 11 went so far as to say that it wasn't fair that we were paying for a 'social skills group' for Master 9 - and not giving him the same amount of money. Okay - so by now my blood starts to boil and I'm needing to dig deep into the wisdom barrel. Having to justify my spending to an 11 year old is way outside my boundaries of 'parent to child' and this one is going to have to learn a hard lesson. I knew I was going to have to take a tact with him to show him that fairness is not about having the same monetary value as someone else. Might I add - at this point I did remind him that I pay money each week for his guitar lessons - and had done so for the last 2 years. Oh he had conveniently forgotten that! Master 9's social skills group was only 8 sessions - so I asked him to do the math. Technically - based on his argument - I owed Master 9 a lot of money.
Ahhhh - the tables were turning!! I told Master 11 to be very careful as he was about to be trapped by the master. Not him either - but me.
I took another turn. I sat back, looked at him and said, 'you know, you are right - lets play the fair game.' This wasn't quite what he was expecting. Suddenly the conversation was taking a turn that he was not counting on. I've been around many more years than this young one and I gave birth to him. Oh I'm clever, as every parent is and needs to be when confronted with a pre-teen.
Let's play the fair game.
What's the fair game?
I explained it to him. It's when both you and your brother are treated 'the same'. But you have to make a decision. Either you are treated as a 9 year old boy with Aspergers or; you are both treated like an 11 year old about to go off to high school. Now, whichever you choose - you will both be treated 'the same.' This includes privileges; bed times; chore expectations; pocket money - the works. This means that whatever I spend on you - I spend on your brother and vice versa. This means that now your brother will be given the same amount of money that is paid for your guitar lessons; your visits to the movies with friends; the money you need for school, etc etc.
Master 9 does none of these so to make it up to him a little, I occasionally buy him an iTunes card, or a $10 yoyo in this case. That's all he does, his needs are pretty small.
Now we are confronted with the whole idea of 'fairness' and 'the same.' Is fairness being treated the same?
Silence. I could see Master 11's mind ticking over. I could see that he was backed into a corner and had no way of coming out. He hadn't quite thought this one through and I could see he was trying everything he could to come up with an answer. Now that the tables had turned he'd realized that he'd trapped himself in a situation he didn't quite like. He was learning a very valuable lesson in life, that fairness isn't about getting things equal but about having your needs met, and some of your wants. Fairness is not being treated the same.
Both my boys have very different needs. Our job as parents is to meet those needs to the best of our abilities. Wants are different, and require a different argument. What Master 11 needs on a daily basis differs from that of his brother. Fairness is not 'the same.'
In fairness to Master 11, I also realized that I may have created this school of thought. When the boys were younger I did try and treat them the same. What I bought for one, I bought for the other. In some ways, I'd created this. So it was my job to rectify it because as children - their needs were the same. But as they'd gotten a little older, I began to stop doing this when it came to the things they needed. I would give them the same if it were a gift. But if someone needed a pair of shoes, I didn't necessarily buy the other one a pair. They got what they needed. On many occasions I had tried to explain to both the boys this very thing, that as they were getting older, their needs were becoming different. But I guess it hadn't sunk in!
Until possibly now.
'I don't want to play the fair game.'
No - I bet you don't. Because no-one really wins the 'fair' game. We are all different and unique. We all have different needs whether we are a child or an adult. Getting what someone else has is not fairness. To believe that you should have what everyone else has creates jelousy. And jelousy is a destructive and horrible emotion.
I needed to teach this lesson today. I think he got it. I hope now at least in part, he understands.
I don't want to play the fair game either.
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