The week before school starts.
The week before school starts for the new year is often a very challenging one for our household. It's not that our boys don't like school, on the contrary they love it and it signifies order and routine, something all children crave whether they know it or not. But for some children, anything that changes provokes an intense anxiety that at times becomes beyond what they are able to control in themselves. For some of these kids change is just difficult and what I've come to learn, is that that change can be good or bad.
Our 9 year old is one of those kids. It's funny to see that over the years it's always been like this and we always put it down to 'a challenging child.' It never occurred to us that change was so difficult for him, and his inability to articulate his feelings are almost non-existent - so the only way for him to outwork some of this anxiety it to explode. Since learning that he has Aspergers our whole outlook has changed, although the challenges have not! Any form of transition for him is difficult because he sees mostly in 'pictures'. That is, he has to either see what it looks like, or have an experience of it, before he can process it and be okay with it. Life at his age is full of changes and new experiences and each one of them presents a great challenge for him - and ultimately for us!
If he has a 'positive' experience with something, then repeating that event is quite easy. Having said that, it can also depend on what the experience is. For example; he may enjoy going to a circus but the noise, smells and large crowds may prove difficult for him, even though he enjoyed the circus. The truth can also be said for the opposite. If he has a negative experience then getting him to repeat that experience is almost impossible! For example; if Master 9 (which I shall call him for the sake of a public bog) eats a food that he finds distasteful or of an odd texture, getting him to repeat that experience is virtually impossible. On the other hand, if he has a positive experience with a new food, he will eat that for 5 months straight!! I kid you not. This is because he seeks the same positive experience, and the predictability that it will taste the same each time he eats it. He has been eating vegemite toast for at least 5 months and is showing no signs of letting up. This is his 'default' or 'safe' food when what is on offer is something he won't try. Mind you, it also must be made a very specific way and only a handful of people can make it for him! You may think, what the heck he should either make it himself, or just give him what food is on offer, and if he doesn't like it, bad luck. That would be fine and for many years that's exactly what happened. But this is a child who if he decides he won't eat that food, then he won't eat anything. And you can't even use bribery! The promise of an ice-cream if he eats is pointless because he just won't have the ice-cream. If he doesn't want to eat something then you can move heaven and earth, and he won't eat it!! When his weight dropped considerably and the pediatrician became concerned (he is quite short for his age), we had to take other measures. I don't expect people to really understand what we deal with with his food issues unless they've experienced it themselves. My 11 year old pretty much eats anything and as he is on the cusp of teenage-hood - is eating large quantities!
Anyway, back to school starting. The holidays have been lovely and restful with many days spent at home relaxing. This suits our 9 year old as social interaction is not his favourite thing. Sitting home on his Ipod or computer would have you believe that in fact there is nothing untoward about this kid! He is at his happiest. He doesn't have to contend with people, events or anxieties. Life is predictable although he does struggle out of routine. But as the week got busier and things needed to be done to prepare for school (haircuts, shopping etc), so his behaviour increased. What I mean by that is that he became more agitated and didn't seem to cope with any small thing we had to do. When this happens, he obsesses over things. The week before I told him that I would take him shopping on Wednesday because he wanted to buy orange scissors (yes he is generally very specific). Every day he reminded me that on Wednesday we had to go and buy orange scissors. There would be no point in going on Tuesday, because I said it would be Wednesday. That's just how it is. Mind you, we went shopping and there were no orange scissors. I was holding my breath because we had to have orange and I half expected a meltdown in the middle of Big W (oh yes it has happened). Thank goodness he settled on green. I gave a huge sigh of relief.
I have to say here that his teachers are wonderful with him. They are well understanding of Aspergers and made time for him after his assessment to look around the classroom and have an idea of how things would run. This really helps a lot and I very much appreciate what they may see as small things to help, which are big to us. The more he knows about a situation, the better he is able to process it and handle it. Often we have to take the time to give him more information about something that we would, say our 11 year old. He came home and talked about his classroom, who his teacher would be the next day and how he would communicate his needs. That helped a lot. Unfortunately, we can't always avoid a rise in anxiety and by the evening he had a meltdown - which I might add isn't as common as it used to be.
Consequencing Master 9 during these times becomes extremely difficult, yet still necessary as we teach him how to manage his anxiety and ensuing behaviors. I'm still learning with him and I don't think that will ever stop. Some days I think I understand him, and other days I don't. Some days I am more patient, and other days I'm not. Pretty much a normal parent I'd say. I have an 11 year old who although has always been a fairly easy going child, has suddenly become a tantrumming pre-teen that I have to learn to parent all over again! Oh the challenges of parenting!
But for our 9 year old, setting a consequence in light of his own extreme anxiety is tricky. I'd called him from the computer to the dinner table, to at least sit with us even though I knew he would probably not eat what we had. My mistake at this point was not giving him time to transition (5 minutes to dinner, 3 minutes to dinner etc). This resulted in a refusal to come when he was called as he 'had to finish this game.' This is a difficult situation for us. When Master 9 is involved in something, it is extremely difficult to get him off. I knew that, however I still required him to come to dinner. I wish it was as easy as walking over and turning his computer off but I could not even explain what that would mean for us. A violent explosive meltdown is not something anyone wants to experience and something I will never get used to. Once again, through the right intervention, we are thankful that this is not as common these days. From the ages of I could almost say birth until 8 this was pretty much daily!!
Nothing and no threat of consequence was going to budge this boy from the computer this night. He was already anxious and agitated and he was focused. He often becomes intensely focused when he is trying to block out the world around him or his own worries (though he can not articulate this). Hindsight is great but I didn't think of that at the time. After 45 minutes he made it to the dinner table at which time I gave him a choice to make. He either turned off his computer for the rest of the night (heaven forbid) or he lost his computer for the whole of the following day. So strong is his need to focus and finish what he was doing, that he just had to get back to the computer. It was evening and he only had an hour left until bed time - but so strong was the pull for him that he chose to lose a whole day rather than give it up there and then.
That's our challenge. Oh and of course it didn't end there because he came home after his first day of school and discovered he was not allowed to use his computer. Most days after school he comes and goes into his own world for a couple of hours (usually on his computer), and I had taken that from him. By this stage I had understood his behaviour the day before, but it's still my job to teach him consequence, even if it is more difficult for him to make the original choice. And who really paid the highest price? Well we all did really. He was angry all night and called me everything under the sun (which thankfully I am used to and no longer get hurt or offended!!). But I guess I can only hope that next time this situations arises; 1) I give him some transition time, and 2) he comes to the table a bit quicker.
I'm glad school has started. He's still not there yet as there are still some new things yet to experience and he will take a few weeks to get used to things. He said he likes his teachers (he has 1 teacher 4 days and 1 teacher 1 day) and his most favourite thing of the day was symmetry. I thought this was odd until someone pointed out to me that symmetry is pattern and order. See, I am still very much learning! He still says he doesn't like having all the kids in his class (not specific kids - it's the number of kids). That just makes me smile because he'd do so well in a classroom all by himself!! Oh - and home schooling is totally not an option!! And then would you believe that the last week of every term we do this again - as we change back to holidays!!
As for my 11 year old? He loved it, is happy and will surge ahead in his final year of primary school. Last year our 9 year old took a lot of our focus at school as he was newly diagnosed and we had a lot of work to do. We'll always have work to do with him, though we are a bit further down the road than before. But my challenge for this year is to balance out my focus on both the boys, 1 who will close the chapter of his primary years and the other, who, well - will always keep us on our toes.
So happy 2014 school year hey? Oh - and good luck teachers!!
Our 9 year old is one of those kids. It's funny to see that over the years it's always been like this and we always put it down to 'a challenging child.' It never occurred to us that change was so difficult for him, and his inability to articulate his feelings are almost non-existent - so the only way for him to outwork some of this anxiety it to explode. Since learning that he has Aspergers our whole outlook has changed, although the challenges have not! Any form of transition for him is difficult because he sees mostly in 'pictures'. That is, he has to either see what it looks like, or have an experience of it, before he can process it and be okay with it. Life at his age is full of changes and new experiences and each one of them presents a great challenge for him - and ultimately for us!
If he has a 'positive' experience with something, then repeating that event is quite easy. Having said that, it can also depend on what the experience is. For example; he may enjoy going to a circus but the noise, smells and large crowds may prove difficult for him, even though he enjoyed the circus. The truth can also be said for the opposite. If he has a negative experience then getting him to repeat that experience is almost impossible! For example; if Master 9 (which I shall call him for the sake of a public bog) eats a food that he finds distasteful or of an odd texture, getting him to repeat that experience is virtually impossible. On the other hand, if he has a positive experience with a new food, he will eat that for 5 months straight!! I kid you not. This is because he seeks the same positive experience, and the predictability that it will taste the same each time he eats it. He has been eating vegemite toast for at least 5 months and is showing no signs of letting up. This is his 'default' or 'safe' food when what is on offer is something he won't try. Mind you, it also must be made a very specific way and only a handful of people can make it for him! You may think, what the heck he should either make it himself, or just give him what food is on offer, and if he doesn't like it, bad luck. That would be fine and for many years that's exactly what happened. But this is a child who if he decides he won't eat that food, then he won't eat anything. And you can't even use bribery! The promise of an ice-cream if he eats is pointless because he just won't have the ice-cream. If he doesn't want to eat something then you can move heaven and earth, and he won't eat it!! When his weight dropped considerably and the pediatrician became concerned (he is quite short for his age), we had to take other measures. I don't expect people to really understand what we deal with with his food issues unless they've experienced it themselves. My 11 year old pretty much eats anything and as he is on the cusp of teenage-hood - is eating large quantities!
Anyway, back to school starting. The holidays have been lovely and restful with many days spent at home relaxing. This suits our 9 year old as social interaction is not his favourite thing. Sitting home on his Ipod or computer would have you believe that in fact there is nothing untoward about this kid! He is at his happiest. He doesn't have to contend with people, events or anxieties. Life is predictable although he does struggle out of routine. But as the week got busier and things needed to be done to prepare for school (haircuts, shopping etc), so his behaviour increased. What I mean by that is that he became more agitated and didn't seem to cope with any small thing we had to do. When this happens, he obsesses over things. The week before I told him that I would take him shopping on Wednesday because he wanted to buy orange scissors (yes he is generally very specific). Every day he reminded me that on Wednesday we had to go and buy orange scissors. There would be no point in going on Tuesday, because I said it would be Wednesday. That's just how it is. Mind you, we went shopping and there were no orange scissors. I was holding my breath because we had to have orange and I half expected a meltdown in the middle of Big W (oh yes it has happened). Thank goodness he settled on green. I gave a huge sigh of relief.
I have to say here that his teachers are wonderful with him. They are well understanding of Aspergers and made time for him after his assessment to look around the classroom and have an idea of how things would run. This really helps a lot and I very much appreciate what they may see as small things to help, which are big to us. The more he knows about a situation, the better he is able to process it and handle it. Often we have to take the time to give him more information about something that we would, say our 11 year old. He came home and talked about his classroom, who his teacher would be the next day and how he would communicate his needs. That helped a lot. Unfortunately, we can't always avoid a rise in anxiety and by the evening he had a meltdown - which I might add isn't as common as it used to be.
Consequencing Master 9 during these times becomes extremely difficult, yet still necessary as we teach him how to manage his anxiety and ensuing behaviors. I'm still learning with him and I don't think that will ever stop. Some days I think I understand him, and other days I don't. Some days I am more patient, and other days I'm not. Pretty much a normal parent I'd say. I have an 11 year old who although has always been a fairly easy going child, has suddenly become a tantrumming pre-teen that I have to learn to parent all over again! Oh the challenges of parenting!
But for our 9 year old, setting a consequence in light of his own extreme anxiety is tricky. I'd called him from the computer to the dinner table, to at least sit with us even though I knew he would probably not eat what we had. My mistake at this point was not giving him time to transition (5 minutes to dinner, 3 minutes to dinner etc). This resulted in a refusal to come when he was called as he 'had to finish this game.' This is a difficult situation for us. When Master 9 is involved in something, it is extremely difficult to get him off. I knew that, however I still required him to come to dinner. I wish it was as easy as walking over and turning his computer off but I could not even explain what that would mean for us. A violent explosive meltdown is not something anyone wants to experience and something I will never get used to. Once again, through the right intervention, we are thankful that this is not as common these days. From the ages of I could almost say birth until 8 this was pretty much daily!!
Nothing and no threat of consequence was going to budge this boy from the computer this night. He was already anxious and agitated and he was focused. He often becomes intensely focused when he is trying to block out the world around him or his own worries (though he can not articulate this). Hindsight is great but I didn't think of that at the time. After 45 minutes he made it to the dinner table at which time I gave him a choice to make. He either turned off his computer for the rest of the night (heaven forbid) or he lost his computer for the whole of the following day. So strong is his need to focus and finish what he was doing, that he just had to get back to the computer. It was evening and he only had an hour left until bed time - but so strong was the pull for him that he chose to lose a whole day rather than give it up there and then.
That's our challenge. Oh and of course it didn't end there because he came home after his first day of school and discovered he was not allowed to use his computer. Most days after school he comes and goes into his own world for a couple of hours (usually on his computer), and I had taken that from him. By this stage I had understood his behaviour the day before, but it's still my job to teach him consequence, even if it is more difficult for him to make the original choice. And who really paid the highest price? Well we all did really. He was angry all night and called me everything under the sun (which thankfully I am used to and no longer get hurt or offended!!). But I guess I can only hope that next time this situations arises; 1) I give him some transition time, and 2) he comes to the table a bit quicker.
I'm glad school has started. He's still not there yet as there are still some new things yet to experience and he will take a few weeks to get used to things. He said he likes his teachers (he has 1 teacher 4 days and 1 teacher 1 day) and his most favourite thing of the day was symmetry. I thought this was odd until someone pointed out to me that symmetry is pattern and order. See, I am still very much learning! He still says he doesn't like having all the kids in his class (not specific kids - it's the number of kids). That just makes me smile because he'd do so well in a classroom all by himself!! Oh - and home schooling is totally not an option!! And then would you believe that the last week of every term we do this again - as we change back to holidays!!
As for my 11 year old? He loved it, is happy and will surge ahead in his final year of primary school. Last year our 9 year old took a lot of our focus at school as he was newly diagnosed and we had a lot of work to do. We'll always have work to do with him, though we are a bit further down the road than before. But my challenge for this year is to balance out my focus on both the boys, 1 who will close the chapter of his primary years and the other, who, well - will always keep us on our toes.
So happy 2014 school year hey? Oh - and good luck teachers!!
You guys are such great parents! Today we had an episode with our daughter and I feel so many things could have been different. Was feeling a bit out of sorts but reading your post gives me lot of hope! Thank you so much for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThanks Beulah. There is nothing easy about parenting and we all make mistakes and question what we do. That's not a bad thing, it means we seek to do the best we can. When you love your children unconditionally, it helps cover some of our mistakes - if that's what they are. Every child is different and how we parent them is different. Don't be too hard on yourself because you are doing a phenomenal job raising your beautiful kids. x
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