The tough side of Autism.

* This is my latest post in 'Diary of an Asperger Mum.'

There are days (or should I now say weeks) where living with Aspergers/ADHD and Anxiety totally overwhelms me and I have nowhere to go. There are days when I feel like I'm drowning right beside my 10 year old and I can't find the lifeline to throw to him because I don't have one myself. There are days when I'm taken to the wall and all I want to do is block out the world around me and forget that we ever have to deal with this. Ironically, I'm guessing that's exactly how my 10 year old feels a lot of the time too!!

I was talking to someone today (and I appreciate I do have people to talk to) and I was saying how difficult it can be when you have a child who for all intents and purposes, looks 'normal.' Oh yes we can argue that of course he is 'normal' because he is as he is - just different yet his own kind of normal. But you know what I mean when I say that. If you met him briefly you would not think anything untoward, except you might think he is a little rude as he wouldn't look at you or even answer your questions without prompting. So when he behaves in an unacceptable manner, it seems he's just the child who probably needs a good smack on the bottom, or at the least some good discipline, and he wouldn't behave that way.

But what if he is well disciplined and actually comes from a half decent family, and still behaves that way. I think it's easy to forget that although there is a normal 10 year old boy with the capacity to be as naughty as the next 10 year old, there is also a boy who has Aspergers, ADHD and Anxiety disorder. Each one on it's own is dynamic enough, put them all together and you have some serious issues on your hand. And if other adults think he's a bit hard to handle at times, then try live with it 24 hours a day.

With this comes a very big dilemma for us and one I'm still trying to work out. And that is, how DO you discipline him and WHEN does this need to happen? At the moment it seems this child is out of control and we are helpless to bring some semblance of normality back to his behaviour. During the week, after being teased by some boys, he flew into a complete meltdown and physically hit a child - repeatedly. It was a frightening situation for both teacher and for me as a parent. His cognitive function had shut down and he was unable to be stopped which makes this situation frightening for everyone around him. I must say that what people fail to understand is that if I had the capacity to stop him, I would have. But even I cannot bring him out of this place until it runs it's course. And the difficulty is that touching him at that stage can be dangerous for the adult yet someone has to stop him from hurting another child.

This situation left me reeling. But my biggest dilemma was that - should he be disciplined? I mean - you can't just hit kids like that. Do that in a few years time and he'll be charged and who knows what can happen then? So how do I stop this from happening in the future? I'm scared. Yet I don't know how to discipline him because to do so doesn't change the behaviour. At this point he's lost control, so how do we get him to take a step back and deal with it before it comes to this point? I have no idea! I have pulled out all the stops to help this kid, and largely he does pretty well (we do have many good weeks - it's just when it's bad it's bad!). I know I just have to keep going, keep trying, keep looking for new ways of helping him. But some days (like today) I just don't know. I feel lost and drowning in this sea of Autism.

My sister had him stay over at her place last night and he wasn't exactly easy for her. But she made a very good observation of him. She said that he acts tough and says that he'll bash children etc etc - but underneath the facade is a child who has a very low self esteem, believes he is not liked and not worth much. He puts on a good front for those around him but is gripped with feelings of low self worth. He does often say to me that he is dumb and people don't like him. It's definitely time to do some work on this stuff.

Disciplining this child is also so incredibly difficult. No I do not smack or touch him because he would fly into a rage and has no other effect on him. I can take his precious Xbox which leaves him abusing us for the whole time he doesn't have it, or I can ground him which strangely enough settles him, and calms him - but doesn't help him socially (and is exactly what he wants). Strangely, I have not grounded him but I'm beginning to think that perhaps it is exactly what he needs. A time for him to calm, withdraw from social functions so that he can take the time out he obviously needs. So although it's not a consequence per se, it might just be the key to pulling him back to a safer place from where he can go again. Funny how I've never thought of it this way! I've not done it because it's what he wants - yet it's exactly what he needs!! Perhaps that is the place where he can reground, take some time out from 'people' and give others around him a break as well. I think maybe I'm on to something here!!

At the same time my heart is breaking for him. This is my son, my own flesh and blood. He's highly anxious and his thoughts are going crazy in his head. He thinks everyone hates him, is talking about him and is teasing him. I don't know what's real and what's perceived by him. By nature of children the others are saying it's not happening, and he is saying it is. But I also know that Master 10's 'perception' of events is not always the 'actual' event. Socially he is falling apart. He's not coping with life and his social ability is the first thing to go (not that it's that strong anyway!). I'm not even sure why things are the way they are at the moment but at as guess it's the end of the year anxiety, things wrapping up, things that are about to change.

I know that I am being brutally honest in this post. I think I'm being brave in admitting that I'm not doing too well with this stuff at the moment. And at a guess, there are many who feel this way at different times. This is the raw and hard stuff of a parent raising a child with special needs. Oh we have a lot of good times and he really makes me laugh. And my love and admiration for him never wanes. I'm also not blaming him - because he is the one living with this 24 hours a day too. He's living in a world that provokes huge anxiety, sensory overload and social issues he doesn't understand. The world has become unstable for him and I need to be his stability. So I know that in order for me to do that, I need help too. I need people to understand that I am doing the best I can and sometimes, even better than that!

I must also add that my faith in God is also my greatest strength. The fact that I know that no matter how tough things get, it's no surprise to Him and He's always there to give me strength, wisdom and love. And He loves my son just the way he is. He was created for this and he was created for our family. He was a gift given to me because God knew I could parent him. My faith is my strength.

So from here we have 3 weeks to get through. I know summer holidays will be fine because he will have minimal social interaction and a lot of alone time and he's settled. Unfortunately a lot of services are closing so getting the extra support is difficult so close to Christmas. So I guess we have to take one day at a time, one hour at a time, and sometimes one minute at a time.

That's about all I've got about now.