The difficulties of parenting.
I haven't blogged much over the past few weeks, mostly due to time restraints. In retrospect it's probably been a good thing. The last few weeks have left me emotionally drained and by the end of the term very close to an emotional breakdown. Well, perhaps not that dramatic - but shall we say I was extremely exhausted, frustrated and overwhelmed. That is never a good time to blog given raw emotions may lead to things being written that shouldn't be.
What brought me to that place? Probably a lot of things really. It was a big term in so many ways, for a lot of people. We had the issues of smoke, the death of my dear foster mother and just the general craziness of life. It wasn't all hard, I had a great term with my cooking and orders of cupcakes and birthday cakes. Cooking is an outlet for me and a chance to sort out the myriad of things that go through my head. I've always been a deep thinker, which is no surprise given that I am also a writer. Time in the kitchen allows me to either sort out my own often weird thinking, or just zone out completely if that's what I need to do.
Church has also been great this year with plenty of preaching opportunities and time with great people. I'm also still at Bible College one night a week and feel that I've really grown in many ways. Like cooking, Church and its commitments are a great outlet for me spiritually and I am so thankful I do have God who gives me supernatural strength when I feel like I can't do it on my own!! I remember many years ago someone saying that we Christians believe in God because we need a 'crutch.' Well heck yeah - I do need a crutch and am very thankful to have someone to lean on!!
But the end of term also left me incredibly frustrated with a 9 year old boy who became increasingly difficult to manage on so many levels. There are times when things go relatively smoothly (well for us anyway) and there are times when things just become chaotic and it becomes difficult to get a handle on things. Let it be said that I adore my children - both of them in very unique and different ways. I am also my children's greatest advocate, especially my 9 year old with Aspergers. I'm my 11 year old's greatest advocate too, but he just doesn't need it as much. The both of them together over the past few weeks really took me to the wall.
My 11 year old has always been the easiest going, kindest and, well, nicest kid I know. Oh - and he still is. But as what needs to happen, he's getting hormones and beginning to come into the pre-teen stage bringing with it attitude, tantrums and a downright difficult child. Might I say, this is a very necessary part of life for him and I'd be a bit worried if he didn't push the boundaries at all. But I do wonder if it seems so much worse because we've never had it from him before. I used to always say that my children would switch places as teens. The easy going one would become difficult and hard to manage, and the hard to manage one would get it out of his system and quieten down as a teenager. Seems at this stage at least half is coming true (as the younger one is still a few years before hormones kick in!). God love him, he just wants to grow up and be 18. Oh I know it's normal for him to buckle up against the boundaries and try and establish himself. But by gee its hard when he's always been the easy one. It's kind of funny because I don't know what to do with him. I've never had to really discipline him and suddenly I'm doing it almost daily! But at least he is easy to discipline (unlike his brother). Ban him from various electronics or send him to bed early and it's usually enough for him to pull up his socks for awhile.
Not so for the younger one who would love nothing more than to be grounded, pulled out of social functions or sent to his room! We have to be a lot more creative with him, even to the point where I've asked him what consequence he should have. And funny enough, he is actually a lot harder on himself than we are! Threatening to take his beloved x-box generally sends him into a full scale meltdown which leaves us wondering who in fact was punished - him or us!!
Thankfully two days into school holidays and I'm feeling much better and peace has once again descended on the home. Why? Because we are home and there are no expectations on our 9 year old to do anything. So he's happy and he's settled. It certainly hasn't been like that the past few weeks. I don't know what to blame it on. A longer first term than usual? Perhaps. It's probably a lot of things - but sure tiredness has a lot to do with it as he suddenly found it difficult to sleep at night. He's always been an amazing sleeper (except as a baby - by gee that kid never slept!!). Something has changed and we are not sure what. Figuring him out is not always easy.
I do understand my son, but not always. But understanding him isn't always enough when I have a life to live and work to do. Living with a child who doesn't want to leave the house for anything becomes a battle every day just to get through the things we 'have' to do. Mornings have been totally chaotic and then we fight for 10 minutes to get out to the car so I'm not late for work. It's not just school either, it's everything. His difficulty in transitioning from home to 'society' has for reasons I don't know, become difficult for him. That in turn becomes difficult for us. It challenges me to the very core because I've always been the kind of person who simply cannot be late. Being late stresses me so much that I am generally very early to everything. So day in day out as I deal with the challenges of getting a child to go to the car, I become more and more stressed. As a result I try and get to work a 1/2 an hour early so that I have time to have a coffee and calm down before getting on with my day.
And what about a child who then gets so angry with me that he abuses me all the way to school in the car? Oh there are days where I have been close to tears and it's one of the hardest things I find to deal with. And trust me, I've tried everything to stop him from calling me names and lashing out at me. If it were as easy as disciplining him, he wouldn't be doing it. I've done it all - take iPads, sent him to bed early - you name it. But when he gets angry - I cop it. I am his greatest security and that's why. I'm not writing this so people will be angry with him, or feel sorry for me for that matter - this blogging is just my vent and my space to get out some of my own difficulties as a parent. One of the biggest reasons I started to blog is that I might turn it into a book one day. Trust me, I've had a book worth of experience already in me. And probably a book to come! I bet we can all say that.
You might be wondering what my son would think if he knew you knew this stuff. To be frank, he wouldn't care because he has Aspergers and what you think or feel isn't relevant to him! The other day he cracked it at school because some kids were teasing him. I tried to tell him that I felt like that when he was nasty to me but he couldn't see how it could possibly be the same as he was feeling. I tried desperately for him to see how it hurts me but in his mind, if it's not true then it shouldn't hurt. Oh but for him it's completely different. Oh the frustrations of Aspergers!! Stepping into someone else's shoes and seeing life from their perspective is something he cannot do. Do you know how hard it is to live with that? It's not his fault - it's how he is wired. But I won't stop trying to teach him that actions have consequences and people get hurt. Yet in other ways he cares so deeply that when he hears of tragic events on TV he becomes profoundly affected! The Sandy Hook massacre affected him so deeply that to this very day he has a gun fixation because he 'armed' himself. This is another big issue that we have to change. Time to blog that another time! He also was deeply affected by the Malaysian airplane disappearing that we can trace his not sleeping back to then and the nightmares of being on planes that followed. These are two very different aspects of Aspergers. One which he cannot put himself in other people's shoes and feel what they feel - and others that leave him deeply affected by world events. I don't even understand that!
I think part of me feeling overwhelmed is seeing so many things that need changing and not knowing where to start, how to tackle it or how to have enough energy to see it through. I spoke to a counsellor who said to me that things may get worse before they get better. I didn't think it was possible until I tried to set some new boundaries. By gee she was right. Kids with Aspergers just don't deal with change on any level. And for us we have many things that need changing at the moment but we have to sort out which is the most pressing - and stick to that. In the last week of term we re-implemented Master 9's visual schedule which within days had a dramatic effect on him getting ready for school. For a child with Aspergers to get up in the morning and 'get ready' for school is confusing. What is 'get ready?' They don't know where to even start, so they don't!
A visual schedule involves small cards with words and pictures which are put in order in our kitchen for our son to follow. They are simple instructions - get dressed, have breakfast, pack bag etc. You may think that by 9 years of age he should be able to do this by himself. Well of course he can, but he can't put it in order because he thinks in pictures. So visual cards help him follow instructions that he can't do verbally. On the first day of following his schedule he said to me, 'hey this is easy.' It's easy because it's something he can 'see.' Telling him to do things with only verbal instructions can be difficult for him. So his job in the morning is to go down the list and once he is done he is allowed to have his iPad. Of course with this change came the battle, but I stuck to my guns and within a few days he was up and ready for school in 15 minutes. Amazing what motivation and iPad can give. Since then we haven't had many problems with being ready for school. Thank God for small mercies!!
The counsellor suggested that once he has done this he can only have his iPad in the car. What a genius idea! That way he is sitting in the car well before we have to leave and we don't have to have 'that' battle. I told Master 9 that if he refused to leave the house then he would only be allowed to have his iPad in the morning in the car. Where I had laughed about it, he certainly didn't. He thought it the most ridiculous of ideas but he soon realized I was serious. The last 3 days of term saw him walking out to the car when asked!! Let's hope this continues next term. If not he knows what will happen. I have to be creative - we were late for church on Sunday because of his refusal to leave the house, so it's going to have to apply to every morning if he decides not to!!
But for now, we are on holidays and he can stay in the house, safe and cozy with no expectations of social interaction. To be honest, I'm quite happy about that too. I need just as much down time as he does. I'm feeling better already. I'm not so tired or as stressed as I was.
I'm hoping to get some more blogging done these next few weeks while I have time. One thing that really came up for us was the whole medication issue with our child. I'm going to tackle that one in another blog. It's a very big and emotional issue. None more so for the parent who has to do it. Stay tuned for that one!
What brought me to that place? Probably a lot of things really. It was a big term in so many ways, for a lot of people. We had the issues of smoke, the death of my dear foster mother and just the general craziness of life. It wasn't all hard, I had a great term with my cooking and orders of cupcakes and birthday cakes. Cooking is an outlet for me and a chance to sort out the myriad of things that go through my head. I've always been a deep thinker, which is no surprise given that I am also a writer. Time in the kitchen allows me to either sort out my own often weird thinking, or just zone out completely if that's what I need to do.
Church has also been great this year with plenty of preaching opportunities and time with great people. I'm also still at Bible College one night a week and feel that I've really grown in many ways. Like cooking, Church and its commitments are a great outlet for me spiritually and I am so thankful I do have God who gives me supernatural strength when I feel like I can't do it on my own!! I remember many years ago someone saying that we Christians believe in God because we need a 'crutch.' Well heck yeah - I do need a crutch and am very thankful to have someone to lean on!!
But the end of term also left me incredibly frustrated with a 9 year old boy who became increasingly difficult to manage on so many levels. There are times when things go relatively smoothly (well for us anyway) and there are times when things just become chaotic and it becomes difficult to get a handle on things. Let it be said that I adore my children - both of them in very unique and different ways. I am also my children's greatest advocate, especially my 9 year old with Aspergers. I'm my 11 year old's greatest advocate too, but he just doesn't need it as much. The both of them together over the past few weeks really took me to the wall.
My 11 year old has always been the easiest going, kindest and, well, nicest kid I know. Oh - and he still is. But as what needs to happen, he's getting hormones and beginning to come into the pre-teen stage bringing with it attitude, tantrums and a downright difficult child. Might I say, this is a very necessary part of life for him and I'd be a bit worried if he didn't push the boundaries at all. But I do wonder if it seems so much worse because we've never had it from him before. I used to always say that my children would switch places as teens. The easy going one would become difficult and hard to manage, and the hard to manage one would get it out of his system and quieten down as a teenager. Seems at this stage at least half is coming true (as the younger one is still a few years before hormones kick in!). God love him, he just wants to grow up and be 18. Oh I know it's normal for him to buckle up against the boundaries and try and establish himself. But by gee its hard when he's always been the easy one. It's kind of funny because I don't know what to do with him. I've never had to really discipline him and suddenly I'm doing it almost daily! But at least he is easy to discipline (unlike his brother). Ban him from various electronics or send him to bed early and it's usually enough for him to pull up his socks for awhile.
Not so for the younger one who would love nothing more than to be grounded, pulled out of social functions or sent to his room! We have to be a lot more creative with him, even to the point where I've asked him what consequence he should have. And funny enough, he is actually a lot harder on himself than we are! Threatening to take his beloved x-box generally sends him into a full scale meltdown which leaves us wondering who in fact was punished - him or us!!
Thankfully two days into school holidays and I'm feeling much better and peace has once again descended on the home. Why? Because we are home and there are no expectations on our 9 year old to do anything. So he's happy and he's settled. It certainly hasn't been like that the past few weeks. I don't know what to blame it on. A longer first term than usual? Perhaps. It's probably a lot of things - but sure tiredness has a lot to do with it as he suddenly found it difficult to sleep at night. He's always been an amazing sleeper (except as a baby - by gee that kid never slept!!). Something has changed and we are not sure what. Figuring him out is not always easy.
I do understand my son, but not always. But understanding him isn't always enough when I have a life to live and work to do. Living with a child who doesn't want to leave the house for anything becomes a battle every day just to get through the things we 'have' to do. Mornings have been totally chaotic and then we fight for 10 minutes to get out to the car so I'm not late for work. It's not just school either, it's everything. His difficulty in transitioning from home to 'society' has for reasons I don't know, become difficult for him. That in turn becomes difficult for us. It challenges me to the very core because I've always been the kind of person who simply cannot be late. Being late stresses me so much that I am generally very early to everything. So day in day out as I deal with the challenges of getting a child to go to the car, I become more and more stressed. As a result I try and get to work a 1/2 an hour early so that I have time to have a coffee and calm down before getting on with my day.
And what about a child who then gets so angry with me that he abuses me all the way to school in the car? Oh there are days where I have been close to tears and it's one of the hardest things I find to deal with. And trust me, I've tried everything to stop him from calling me names and lashing out at me. If it were as easy as disciplining him, he wouldn't be doing it. I've done it all - take iPads, sent him to bed early - you name it. But when he gets angry - I cop it. I am his greatest security and that's why. I'm not writing this so people will be angry with him, or feel sorry for me for that matter - this blogging is just my vent and my space to get out some of my own difficulties as a parent. One of the biggest reasons I started to blog is that I might turn it into a book one day. Trust me, I've had a book worth of experience already in me. And probably a book to come! I bet we can all say that.
You might be wondering what my son would think if he knew you knew this stuff. To be frank, he wouldn't care because he has Aspergers and what you think or feel isn't relevant to him! The other day he cracked it at school because some kids were teasing him. I tried to tell him that I felt like that when he was nasty to me but he couldn't see how it could possibly be the same as he was feeling. I tried desperately for him to see how it hurts me but in his mind, if it's not true then it shouldn't hurt. Oh but for him it's completely different. Oh the frustrations of Aspergers!! Stepping into someone else's shoes and seeing life from their perspective is something he cannot do. Do you know how hard it is to live with that? It's not his fault - it's how he is wired. But I won't stop trying to teach him that actions have consequences and people get hurt. Yet in other ways he cares so deeply that when he hears of tragic events on TV he becomes profoundly affected! The Sandy Hook massacre affected him so deeply that to this very day he has a gun fixation because he 'armed' himself. This is another big issue that we have to change. Time to blog that another time! He also was deeply affected by the Malaysian airplane disappearing that we can trace his not sleeping back to then and the nightmares of being on planes that followed. These are two very different aspects of Aspergers. One which he cannot put himself in other people's shoes and feel what they feel - and others that leave him deeply affected by world events. I don't even understand that!
I think part of me feeling overwhelmed is seeing so many things that need changing and not knowing where to start, how to tackle it or how to have enough energy to see it through. I spoke to a counsellor who said to me that things may get worse before they get better. I didn't think it was possible until I tried to set some new boundaries. By gee she was right. Kids with Aspergers just don't deal with change on any level. And for us we have many things that need changing at the moment but we have to sort out which is the most pressing - and stick to that. In the last week of term we re-implemented Master 9's visual schedule which within days had a dramatic effect on him getting ready for school. For a child with Aspergers to get up in the morning and 'get ready' for school is confusing. What is 'get ready?' They don't know where to even start, so they don't!
A visual schedule involves small cards with words and pictures which are put in order in our kitchen for our son to follow. They are simple instructions - get dressed, have breakfast, pack bag etc. You may think that by 9 years of age he should be able to do this by himself. Well of course he can, but he can't put it in order because he thinks in pictures. So visual cards help him follow instructions that he can't do verbally. On the first day of following his schedule he said to me, 'hey this is easy.' It's easy because it's something he can 'see.' Telling him to do things with only verbal instructions can be difficult for him. So his job in the morning is to go down the list and once he is done he is allowed to have his iPad. Of course with this change came the battle, but I stuck to my guns and within a few days he was up and ready for school in 15 minutes. Amazing what motivation and iPad can give. Since then we haven't had many problems with being ready for school. Thank God for small mercies!!
The counsellor suggested that once he has done this he can only have his iPad in the car. What a genius idea! That way he is sitting in the car well before we have to leave and we don't have to have 'that' battle. I told Master 9 that if he refused to leave the house then he would only be allowed to have his iPad in the morning in the car. Where I had laughed about it, he certainly didn't. He thought it the most ridiculous of ideas but he soon realized I was serious. The last 3 days of term saw him walking out to the car when asked!! Let's hope this continues next term. If not he knows what will happen. I have to be creative - we were late for church on Sunday because of his refusal to leave the house, so it's going to have to apply to every morning if he decides not to!!
But for now, we are on holidays and he can stay in the house, safe and cozy with no expectations of social interaction. To be honest, I'm quite happy about that too. I need just as much down time as he does. I'm feeling better already. I'm not so tired or as stressed as I was.
I'm hoping to get some more blogging done these next few weeks while I have time. One thing that really came up for us was the whole medication issue with our child. I'm going to tackle that one in another blog. It's a very big and emotional issue. None more so for the parent who has to do it. Stay tuned for that one!
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ReplyDeleteYou know Nicole, as I was reading through this post, I was thinking you are so blessed to live in a country where there are doctors and counselors who are aware of this and available to help you. Here not many people are aware and we don't have that many counselors to begin with! And oh boy, you are going through a lot but I do feel for him too! You guys are amazing parents! I remember one of your lines, where you said, you pick your fights with your kids, I have adopted that now!
ReplyDeleteYou know Beulah, you are right there. And not only that, we live in a country that has very good awareness and acceptance of the differences of these kids/adults. Some countries are not like that and kids are kept away from society. And as for the 'choose your battle' thing, good for you!! Sometimes you have to just battle one thing at a time or you'll go mad! I choose what is the most pressing and battle that one. It's not to say I won't battle the other ones another time - just one thing and one day at a time!!
ReplyDelete